An archive of beautiful Christmas cards created exclusively by our craftsmen here at Galumpia – all hand-crafted in pure 100% pixels and going way back to the olden days of 1996 – albeit with a twelve year gap in the middle.
It’s easy, click here to download the pdf, print out as many copies as you have friends, mount on card, cut, fold, write message, put in an envelope, address, stamp and post.
Just imagine how lovely this will look on your Grans’ mantlepiece
Have a Safe Christmas – 2008
Click here to download the pdf, then print, mount on card, trim, fold down the middle and buy a stamp.
Get a grown-up to help if necessary and be careful – scissors and scalpels can be sharp and dangerous.
If you’re making this for an aunty, ask her to leave the room first.
Spicy Christmas – 1996
Here’s wishing you, dear reader(s) a very happy Christmas. We have of course sent each and every one of you a beautiful handcrafted card which you should be receiving any day now. If you would like a magical insight into the brilliant young artist behind this challenging work, please watch the video below.
Warning – depicts scenes of child labour which some viewers may find distressing.
The first ISP to host this spoof porn website pulled the plug because they claimed to have received complaints from concerned customers. The second had to temporarily take it down after it scored more than a million hits in one weekend and clogged up their servers.
Hi Guys, Yumie Magazine is the exciting new food and lifestyle title from Yumblog. Each issue will be packed with more than 100 rehashed and reheated recipes by us here at Yumie. You can look forward to massively overblown photography and ill-thought out writing from some of the least known ‘celebrities’ in the world today.
The magazine is a ‘burnt cinder’ on to our action-packed world. So squash your worthless nose against the glass and watch enviously as we reveal the inspirations behind our plagiarism, create recipes and explore the destinations we love to visit (on our scooters).
We would like to point out that any similarity between Yumie Magazine and other publications is purely coincidental
“I really think that this will become one of the most bestist, brilliant and narcissistic food mags in the world,” says Yumie. “I hope you’ll buy it cos I want another house.”
Your second helping of Yumie Magazine is now available from just the one outlet, making it reasonably difficult to get hold of but all the more exclusive for it, after all exclusivity is what Yumie is all about. It isn’t? Oh. Anyway this edition is full to the brim with meaty nourishment to keep your coat lovely and shiny. Yumie’s gone down the pig farm and picked the scraps out of the bin just for you! What is more we’ve taken the best cuts of non-specific red meat from the Iceland own brand range and stuck them in a microwave with some barbecue sauce, just for you!
We’ve wheeled out the one-trick pony that is the one-pot dish and fancied it up with a bit of garlic, ooh, get us! And for those of you out there who choose to eschew the pleasures of the flesh, there’s something very special for you in the shape of rarely-used ingredients such as butternut squash and goat’s cheese. And there’s a pasta dish an all.
And for all you globetrotters out there, and indeed those of you who never shift your huge arses off the sofa unless beckoned to by the ping of the microwave, we have tales from yonder and, if I may, afar. In entirely selfless fashion, we have gone to Dubai to eat the food of the ill-treated immigrant workers, we’ve learnt ten-ways with a bowl of rice from starving families in Burma and there’s an hilarious incident involving the Vatican’s very own mozzarella buffalo, Peter, and some misplaced serviettes. Closer to home, we pop into a salt-of-the-earth café steeped in tradition that’s been serving black pudding and funny northern sheep bits for literally days.
All of this plus our flimsy cut-out-and-lose menus of patronising simplicity. The result is an unmissable magazine crammed full of adverts to see you through until May.
Are you still sitting there? Get in your 4×4 right now and head for that WHSmith 20 miles away and pick up your copy today.
Issue Four *
Hi Guys, exciting news, Yumie magazine is now being sold in all good branches of CostCutters across the UK** as well as the usual Timothy Whites. So now there is no excuse not to read this supremely glossy example of vanity publishing. Pick up issue 4 and see how we have belatedly jumped on the Barack Obama bandwagon. Wonder at recipes which use ingredients such as seashore veg, micro herbs and courgette flowers – don’t bother looking for them, they don’t even sell them in Waitrose. And this being the summer edition, we lazily keep alive the myth that the UK actually sees any sun between July and August by printing page after page of stock BBQ and picnic hamper ideas. If you add to this our overly chummy editorial style, fawning name dropping celebrity arse-wipe and aspirational middle class travel porn, then there is absolutely no excuse not to rush out, hand over your cash, and make us £14.99 richer.
Sadly Yumie magazine has spawned many inferior copy cat publications
* We couldn’t be bothered to publish issue 3
Hi guys. The new issue of Yumie Magazine trudges wearily over the well-trod ground of the US of A! We’ve asked around the office, spent the morning on Google and flicked through a 20 year old edition of ‘Floyd’s American Pie’ to cobble together this lazy cliché-ridden feast of Americana. Some of these recipes have never been published (or cooked) before – great dishes like Kentucky Fried Oreo’s, Vittles and Grits en croute and Mom’s Apple Pizza. Then there are nutritional and healthy recipes from legendary US chefs such as Colonel Sanders, Ronald McDonald, Uncle Ben and new kid on the block, the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
All this, plus page after page of adverts masquerading as editorial shamelessly plugging all our other enterprises – makes Yumie your one-stop-shop for American clichés. And old chestnuts. And stereotypes. And platitudes. And re-heated left-overs…
Once again, Jme copies our best ideas. The bare faced cheek of the man!
Hi guys. Hot off the mustard* the new issue of Yumie Magazine is chock-a-block full of exciting colourful Christmas ideas to make your humble monochrome existence less shabby, bleak, and let’s be honest, pointless. Look on with slack-jawed envy as we honour you with a glimpse into the kaleidoscopic sumptuous magnificence that is a Christmas here at Yumblog Towers. Our festivities are so resplendently swank and perfectly choreographed they make Nigela’s absurd yuletide fantasy look almost achievable.
So pick up a copy today and see how your Christmas could have been.
I’ve always been intrigued by the bizarre and random results a single word can throw up when searching for images. For this project I typed each word of The Lord’s Prayer into Altavista and selected one of the first twenty images which I then arranged in order to produce a type of ‘visual poem’.
Have you been watching the new Sophie Dahl cookery show? Isn’t it utterly brilliant! I think we can all agree it’s the very embodiment of the Reithian axiom to educate, inform and entertain and the BBC should be rightly proud of itself*. Who needs 6Music if the money saved by its butchery can go to make edifying programmes such as this?
No doubt straight after viewing the first episode you too rushed out to your nearest ‘Curio, Knick-knack and Unashamedly Overpriced Collectible Whatnot Emporium’ in search of an adorable 1920s’ Art Deco cocktail shaker to commemorate this historic zenith in broadcasting. Perhaps unlike the delicious Miss Dahl you didn’t have a trugload of licence payers’ money to squander and so found the asking price a little on the fanciful side? Worry not because yumblog (the company that bought you the ‘Flava Shaker‘) is proud to present this hand-finished limited edition ‘readers only’ Art Deco-style cocktail shaker at a remarkable introductory price of £99.99. So go on, treat yourself and soon you too could be mixing your very own Dirty Martini … just the one mind!